Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
