so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
