nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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