Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
