So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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