just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
