Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
