found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize