Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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