It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
