People in love make me want to vomit
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
