Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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