I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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