so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
