Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
