I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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