did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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