What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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