My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
