Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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