She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize