Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
