i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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