I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You were trust falling into bushes
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
