i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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