i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
