Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
