You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
