I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize