Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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