She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Are my feet made of real feet?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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