I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
