so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
