I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
