I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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