I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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