be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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