he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
