Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
