Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
