he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Floor bacon is actually really good
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