cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
