I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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