I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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