how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
