I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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