and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
