every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
