i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize