im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
