I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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