Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
