Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize